Thursday, December 15, 2011

Remember Me????

I'm still around! Going thru a very hard time missing my Mom as this will be my first Christmas without her. She was in the hospital last year this time and we all spent Christmas with her in her hospital room. I promised her that as soon as she got home from rehab, we would celebrate Christmas. We never got to do that. Just so quiet and lonely at home with out her and the kids. Guess I'm really going thru the "empty nest syndrome"! And I don't like it at all! Pete, my parakeet, keeps me company. But not like the the kids and Mom!

Anyway, I posted some pictures of things i have been working on thru the summer, fall, and now into winter on my Crafty Cupboard site. Will post more after the New Year!

As for Abby, she is 3 months old and doing great. I know Matt and Holli are excited about having their First Christmas together as a family. They are still in MN. Miss them bunches too! Can't wait till they move back to VA!

As for Colby and Clayton - the kids got a letter last week from Duke telling them that they do NOT have SCID's!!! They are healthy and thriving boys!!! They have to go back in May for more testing, but as it stands right now - they are SCID FREE!!! So Chris and Trish got the best Christmas present this year - along with the rest of us! I know Hayden and Mom are having fun together in Heaven and looking down on us all. We all love them and miss them so much.

Well, will close for now. Everyone have a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!!!! Stay safe and keep on crafting! Thanks for being my friend throughout the years and for being such support thru all my up's and down's. I cherish all of you!!! Until 2012 - Hugs and Love to you all!!!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Abigail Sylvia Louise

Abigail Sylvia Louise

This is my grand-daughter's hospital picture. She is so precious! Nana loves you

Thursday, September 1, 2011

My Grand-Daughter is Born!

Just wanted to share with everyone that my Son, Matthew, and his girlfriend, Holli, had their baby at 5:05 am today, September 1, 2011!!! Her name is Abigail Sylvia Louise Rutherford (what a LONG name!) and she weighed 7 pounds and 12 ounces, 20 inches long. She has a head full of brown hair....and even has a birthmark just like her Nana! This makes my 4th grandchild, but my first grand-daughter! The name Sylvia was my Mom's name and Louise was her Grandmother's name. I know my Mom would be so honored! Can't wait for them to come back home. They are in Winona, MN. Congrats to Matt and Holli! And to Uncle Chris, Aunt Trish, Uncle Steven and especially Grandpa Roger! His first grandchild!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

2N1 Warm Hat Pattern

Here is the result of 2 hat patterns that I really liked and wanted them both together. I did the math and here it is! That is why I called it the 2N1 Warm Hat pattern! It's a really quick, easy, and fun hat to make. I am making these hats for a very special project and the purple one above is made in Memory of my Mom ~ she loved purple. So I hope the lady that receives this purple hat will feel the love that was crocheted into it and will keep her warm this winter! Enjoy the hat pattern - let me know what you think of it!

2N1 Warm Hat
by Beth Parsons, copyright

Materials Needed: 4 ply yarn
K hook

Guage: With K hook, 3 dc = 1 inch

Round 1: Ch 4, 11 dc in 4th ch from hook. (Ch 3 counts as first dc). Join in top of 4th ch with sl st. (12dc)

Round 2: Ch 3, dc in same sp, 2 dc in each dc around. Join in top of 3rd ch. (24dc)

Round 3: Ch 3, dc in same sp, *1 dc in next dc, 2 dc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join in top of 3rd ch. (36dc)

Round 4: Ch 3, dc in same sp, *1 dc in next 2 dc, 2 dc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join in top of 3rd ch. (48dc)

Round 5: Ch 3, dc in same sp, *1 dc in next 3 dc, 2 dc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join in top of 3rd ch, (60dc)

Round 6: Ch 3, dc in next dc, dc in each dc around. Join in top of 3rd ch. (60dc)

Round 7: Ch 3, *fpdc around next dc, dc in next dc. Repeat from * around. Join in top of 3rd ch. (30FPDC, 30dc = 60dc)

Round 8: Ch 3, dc in next dc, dc in each dc around. Join to top of 3rd ch. (60dc)

Round 9: Repeat Rnd 7.

Round 10: Repeat Rnd 8.

Round 11: Repeat Rnd 7.

Round 12: Repeat Rnd 8.

Round 13: Repeat Rnd 7.

Round 14: Repeat Rnd 8.

Round 15: Repeat Rnd 7.

Round 16: Repeat Rnd 8.

Round 17: Repeat Rnd 7.

Round 18: Repeat Rnd 8. At end of this row, join to top fo 3rd ch. You can end off if you like or place a reverse crochet stitch around edge of hat. End off. Work in all loose ends and cut off. NOTE: You will have 6 FPDC ridge rows down hat (ridge row = dc round and a FPDC round) Last row of hat will be a dc round.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Happy Birthday to Me

It's my birthday, but it's also a very sad day for me. My Mom is not here with me to celebrate my birthday with me. She passed away in March. So this is one of those "firsts" to live thru. I miss my Mom so much. She was the best Mom. Always there for me, supporting me, loving me, guiding me, hugging me, putting up with me...the best Mom. She was the best Grandma and GG ever. Gone too soon. It's so hard. Just wish I could skip the entire day and move on to the 26th. At least for me.

On to other news and laughs for you! The EARTHQUAKE! You know, the one that has been in all the news on the East Coast! I went to my Mom's property to mow. I was taking a break and sitting in a folding chair in the front yard, by the front porch, talking to my son, Chris, on my cell phone. All of a sudden I felt my chair wiggle. I thought - it's not that windy out. Then I quickly thought, I'm not then I heard the front door to the house start shaking and the glass in the door shaking...I yelled in the phone to my son "Oh My God, we're having an earthquake!" Well, he proceeds to tell me I'm crazy! haha By then, me and my chair were really rocking and I jumped up and looked at the house. All the windows and the door were shaking! I told my son what was happening and he didn't want to believe me. Then people started coming outside, yelling and asking what is going on and poor kids screaming and crying. It was alittle scary! Having gone thru tornadoes but never a earthquake, was just alittle scary! Especially finding out that the epicenter was in Mineral, VA, which was 72 miles South of us! So no wonder I was a rocking in my chair! My son called me back and said "You know, I was wonder why the ceiling fan was moving around" He thought it was his wife jumping around! hahaha They live in Martinsburg, WV, which is about 20 minutes North of Winchester where I live. So that turned out to be a very interesting day! I finally got the entire yard and garden mowed. I was tired when I got home!

So much for now...hugs and love to all!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Remember Me?

Alot has been going on over the past few months. Finally getting around to updating my blogs and catching up on new patterns and visiting my friends!

Here is the latest picture of the twins - Colby and Clayton! They are just the cutest. They went to Duke in NC to be tested for SCID's and have to return on my birthday, the 25th, for more testing. Better safe than sorry. Chris and Trish both said the Duke is a MUCH better hospital and wished that Hayden could have went there. The boys are doing great and growing well. Clayton is just a happy boy! Colby is the serious one! I love them and miss them so much!

At one of my favorite yarn stores in Winchester, Never Enough Yarn, she had a contest. The person knitting the most drain bags for women who have surgery as a result of breast cancer, wins a $50 gift certificate. My friend, Chris, gave me the pattern and being a new knitter, I thought I would try it. I had a ball making these drain bags and couldn't wait to finish one and start on a new color! I ended up making 38 bags and won the contest! Chris came in a close 2nd, making 35, and she won a $15 gift certificate. I posted pics of the bags and what I got from my winnings on my Crafty Cupboard blog. Having fun knitting now, but I still love to crochet!!!

Matt, my youngest son, and his girlfriend, Holli, are expecting a little girl August 28th. Her name will be Abigail (Abby) Sylvia Louise. The middle names are after my Mom and her grandmother. I hope she is born on the 25th, that would be the BEST birthday present! But we will see!

Can you believe that September is just around the corner? Where has time gone? On one hand time has gone by fast. But when it comes to thinking of my Mom, I wish I could rewind time. But I can't. I miss her so much. Yes, I am having a very hard time dealing with her gone. She was the best Mom, my best friend, my support, my hugger - my everything. Just so hard here with out her. She loved seeing all the things I made. I really dread my birthday coming up. My day without my Mom. But I know she and Hayden are in Heaven having fun and making up for lost time! And I know she kept her pinky promise with me!

So...until my next post, hugs and love to everyone! I've missed you all!!!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I'm Still Here!

I just wrote a big story and shared pics and the computer decided not to take it! So trying this again!

Colby and Clayton was born April 27th, 7 weeks early. Baby A Colby was 3 pounds 15 ounces and Baby B Clayton was 4 pounds 5 ounces. Trish had to have a c section and she is doing fantastic. Both boys are now over 4 pounds and last night they are in a crib - still in the NICU. But they are doing great! They will be taking a trip to DUKE in NC for further testing of SCID's. But this is a one happy Nana! They are so adorable! Just like their parents! I know Hayden would be so proud to have twin brothers! Mom couldn't wait till they were born too, and missed them. But they have 2 very special angels watching over them!

Will share more later when I can get to a computer. I miss all my blog friends so much - I missing out on alot! Everyone take care and hope to share more soon!!! Hugs to all!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day for Beth

Yesterday was a Day for Beth. I went to the Green Valley Book Fair, which opened yesterday. They were really busy! And lots and lots of great books! I went for 3 things: the crochet books, Amish fiction and cookbooks. A little disappointed on the crochet books - nothing caught my eye. And the $1.00 pamphlets were ones from last year, and not that many. So on to the Amish books - I forgot to write down the ones I already had, but found 3 I didn't have for $4! I really love reading my Amish fiction books! Next - cookbooks! I found a casserole cookbook fix it and forget it (easy for me! hahaha) and a Amish cookbook with lots of good recipes in it! Can't wait to try them! Then I found a beautiful glass picture frame that has flowers on it and the words "Mom" etched on it. I got it and know just the picture I'm putting in it. So it was a nice time at the book fair!

From there, I drove to Luray and sat at my Mom's grave for over an hour. Sat and cried, talked to her, and scratched off 5 Lottery tickets. My Mom loved to get scratch off tickets and she ALWAYS had the luck! So I stopped at 7-11 and picked up 5 to scratch off at the cemetery. Well, she didn't leave me any luck, we lost on all 5 tickets! But I had fun sitting there! Before I left, I gathered up some of the rocks that were tossed around in the dirt. I spelled out "mom" over her name plate. It's something I had to do. I can't wait to get her a head stone. I hated to leave, but I left and went over to her house. More tears. Didn't stay long there, so headed back home.


A friend has been wanting me to go with her to Never Enough Yarn, here in Winchester. A wonderful YARN store for those with champagne taste! I have a water purse! hahaha People can stop in and knit on Saturdays and Sundays. So being a new knitter, I went today. They opened at 12 noon and I left around 3pm. Had the best time and met some wonderful ladies! Experience knitters across the board. Got 3 new patterns and learned some new stitches and techniques. Had alot of fun and just daydreamed looking at all the beautiful yarn. No, I didn't get any - can't afford it! But had a really nice time out. So glad I went. I wanted to stay home and cry some more. Just so lonely without Mom here and no man in my life. (My trust in men is just shattered right now.) But I had a nice time! Chris brought me some homemade veggie soup, so will have that for dinner tonight. I'm so blessed to have Chris as my friend. She a Joyce have helped me thru alot lately. Wet shoulders from crying and all!

So...piddling around the house this evening and off to my interview tomorrow. Fingers crossed and prayers I get it! It's a nursing job in Maryland. (They pay nurses more in MD than VA and right now I need every penny I can get! Mom only had a $1000 policy and I have a big bill to pay! I'm not complaining - she's my Mom! Anything for my MOM!)

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Girl's Night Out!

I was invited to a "Girl's Night Out" at a friend's house last night. She invited several ladies to crochet, knit, eat - whatever! I had the BEST time! We had the best food and then put on our jammies and sat and crocheted, talked, and listened to the 80's music. She had 3 baskets of yarn out for us to pick and choose what to use and make things with - didn't put a dent in it! hahaha When we first got started crocheting, Penny made Beer Bread for all of us. It was so delicious! I had a slice with spinach dip on it for breakfast! Yum, yum! Chloe and the boys kept us entertained, China stayed to herself (Chris's dogs). It was alot of fun and we got alot of things crocheted! Can't wait till we can do this again!!! Took pictures of the food and forgot pics of all of us working - was having too much fun!

Monday, March 14, 2011

10 Years and This Is All I Get?

....a card...a simple card... that I did not open...

I spent 10 years of my life with this man. I loved him with all of my heart. I did what he wanted and asked of me. I never cheated on him, lied to him, stole anything. I was there for him.

My Mother had her surgery December 3, 2011 and he was not there for me. He was busy putting in a kitchen floor with a friend for a wife who can't stand him. She told me she "tolerates" him because he is a friend to her husband. All I got was excuses. No gas, no money for gas, don't get paid till the 15th. My Mom had a heart attack - didn't show up to be with me or Mom. She even asked about him several times. I wrote to him on the 15th to see if he was coming to visit my Mom. He was going to work late that day and going to NC to see his son graduate and wouldn't be back late Saturday. That is the LAST thing I have heard from him. I've tried several times to write to him, call him, text him, no reply at all. Just dropped off the earth as far as it comes to me and my Mom. Mom asked about us one time when she was in the hospital and I had to tell her he was gone with no explanation at all.

How can a Christian man, a Catholic man, do such a thing? I never did anything wrong to him or his family to deserve to be treated this way! I wrote to his Mother, trying to get her to see what was going on, hoping she would help him, knowing it would break her heart to hear and see what her son was doing - yet I am the worst person in the world. The entire family turned on me. He does no wrong!

I personally blame Facebook. He got on there and started playing games and then meeting women. He broke up with me twice over women on Facebook. Then the gambling at 8 different casinos. But he doesn't have a problem, so he thinks and tells everyone. Regardless what anyone says: He is a lost soul and he needs help. He needs lots of prayers. But they won't come from me anymore. I can't. He hurt me, my family, and my Mom. And he has to live with it and will face our Heavenly Father one day and be held accountable for this. No confession on earth will amend the pain he has caused to me and my family. Just as I will have to face my Heavenly Father and be held accountable for the pain I hold in my heart now. The anger I have inside over what he did to my Mom and my family. What I say and speak is the God's Honest Truth. I have no reason to lie. My trust has been shattered and I will live a lonely world to protect my heart from being broken again.

Yet today, I get a card in the mail. A simple card is supposed to erase the pain and show his sorrow in the passing of my Mother? After all that he did?


Sunday, March 13, 2011

March 5, 2011 - I lost my Mom...

Sylvia M. Parsons

Sylvia Maxine Parsons, 74, of Luray, died on Saturday, March 5, 2011, at Winchester Medical Center.

She was born on April 14, 1936, in Stanley and was a daughter of the late Fred Lee and Lonnie Irene Taylor Seal.

Mrs. Parsons was a member of the Luray Christian Church, Disciples of Christ. She worked in the housekeeping department for Page Memorial Hospital for 10 years.

She is survived by a daughter, Elizabeth Irene Parsons of Winchester; and three grandchildren. She was preceded in death by two sisters, Gladys Seal and Thelma Seal; three brothers, Robert, Virgil and Orley Seal; and one great-grandchild.

A funeral service will be conducted at 2 p.m. on Thursday, March 10, at the Bradley Funeral Home by the Rev. Stan Peerless. Burial will be in Evergreen Memorial Gardens in Luray.

The family was to receive friends from 7-8 p.m. on Wednesday, March 9, at the funeral home.

~My Mom had diverticulitis with a perforated bowel. She had surgery December 3, 2010. A week later she started having chest pains and was taken to the ICU. 36 hours later, she had a heart attack and coded. They got her back. She was a patient of the Cardiac ICU for a couple weeks and then onto the surgical floor. She was in the hospital for 6 weeks. She then went to rehab at Rose Hill in Berryville, VA. She had an infection was as being treated for it the entire time from her discharge from the unit to the very end. From there, was a roller coaster ride for my Mom. She was at rehab for about a week and went back to the hospital for GI bleeding. Stayed for awhile and went back to rehab. Stayed there for about another week and went back to the hospital with double pneumonia. Got her fixed up again and went back to rehab. Was there for about another week and then went back to the hospital for GI bleeding, this time was worse. Got her straightened out and went back to rehab. When she returned, she still wasn't feeling that well. Her stomach was bothering her and she she didn't want to eat. She then started vomiting and her blood pressure was really low. On Friday, March 4th, I received a call that they were sending her back to the hospital. She was taken back to the ICU. They put in a central line because she was so dehydrated. Middle of the night, they did a femoral line to monitor her blood pressure. I received a call at 7am from her Dr saying they were going to intubate her and take her to emergency surgery. The bowel was infected and they needed to take it out. The last thing Mom said to me in the ER was "I love you too". I was told she would not make it thru the surgery because of the infections she had. But she did. She was with us a couple hours and then the Pastor came to me and told me there was alot of activity in her room, they are doing CPR. They got her back again, but having a time with her BP. She was hemorrhaging and they were putting blood in as fast as they could give it. They said they could take her back to surgery, but she would die on the table. It was that bad...I told them to stop. I told them to stop....At 4:13pm Saturday March 5th, she passed away while I was holding her hand. I hate being a nurse in times like this - you know too much. And I know my Mom did NOT want to be like this. God love her, she told me to rip up the DNR in the ER Friday night.

She had went thru hell all because a Doctor would not order a simple test - a colonoscopy. She paid a very high price of pain and suffering in result of this. Yes, she had other health issues, but did not have to go thru all of this.

As for me, I would not have changed a thing taking care of my Mom. She has been with me for 6-7 years. She was my Mom. And she would have done the same for me. Because we loved each other. She was my Mom. But I wish I could have done more for her. She was my best friend and the Best Mom ever. I am so proud and honored to have her as my Mom. And I miss her so much.

At the funeral, I got to sing "Amazing Grace" to her before they closed the casket. It was shaky and thru alot of tears, but I did it. She loved listening to me play the piano, especially that song.

Thank you Mom, for being my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, the best Grandmother to Chris, Steven and Matthew, and the best GG to Hayden. I know you two are having fun in Heaven together making up for lost time! But most of all - thank you Mom for being my Mom! We shared alot of laughs and tears, went thru alot of good times and bad, but we were always together. I learned alot from you. Thank you Mom! I love you and miss you so much. It's not home here without you. And I sure am lonely without you. But I'll be ok, I hope! I love you, Mom, forever and always! 318

Monday, February 28, 2011

March 1st......

The love of my life showing off his NASCAR pants -#24 car in front of him too!

My heart is breaking even more knowing that less than an hour it will be March 1st. Thinking what Hayden went thru these next 17 days just a year ago. I lost my very first grandson, the love of my life March 17, 2010. My son, Chris, and his wife, Trish, lost their child. My Mother and Father lost their first great grandchild. My sons, Steven and Matthew, lost their first nephew.

We were all placed into this "club" that no one wants to be in. Yes, we are in great company by other parents and grandparents who have lost a child. We all share a common bond of grief, loss, heartache, emptiness, and many tears. And all of our arms are empty. A club that others outside of us do not understand. For they haven't shared a loss and they can not comprehend the sheer devastation that each one of us carry deep within our hearts. Some stay, hold our hands, give us hugs, listen to us, dry our tears. Others, turn and walk away or even run. Because they are afraid or not sure how to handle the loss themselves. Adding another loss on top of a greater one.

I keep looking for those steps to Heaven to bring him back home with us, but I can't find them. I still have the plastic tub of cheese balls that we used to eat together at the computer watching CARS, Mater the Greater, and Wall-e.

As for me, I will continue to carry Hayden's love for his Nana deep in my heart. I can't wait till I get to Heaven. I hope Jesus doesn't mind my running past him to grab Hayden up in my arms - then I will let Hayden introduce me to Jesus and tell me everything!

I love you Hayden with all of my heart!!!!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I have no idea....

I have no idea what I am doing! I am a new knitter and wanted to make the 5 Hour Baby Sweater. I just can't figure it out! I've tried so many times and just about gave up. So in the meantime, I found this 5 Hour Baby Boy Sweater by O' Gail Bable - just as precious! So this is what I am working on. I have NO IDEA what I am doing, but I'm doing it! Or doing something! hahaha It says to slip stitch the sleeves together - I know how to sl st in crochet! But in knitting? Well, I just grabbed my ole' crochet hook and sl st'd that sleeve closed! Then went on with the pattern - no idea if that is what you are to do but I did it! Looks good! Just have to figure out the rest of the pattern. This has taken me several days to work on - here and there. Would love to get it figured out so I can make the twins matching sweaters!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Go Steelers!

Steelers Country

Wishing everyone a great game day! Stay safe and may the best team win- that would be the Steelers! hahahaha

I'll be crocheting Valentine's Day blankets for the babies while the game is on!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Crochet Beret I Designed!!!

I am so excited over my new hat pattern I designed! It's a crocheted V-stitch Beret. The rose can be left on or off OR changed to another color rose. I am having so much fun making these hats!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Keychains and Crochet

These are the cutest little keychains I have ever seen or made! A friend gave me the pattern. I am taking orders for these and they are selling like hotcakes! If you want one or more, please let me know!

I posted some other pictures of crochet projects I've been working on while visiting my Mother on my other blog. Please hop over and take a gander at what I've been working on! I'm still making slippers too! I find a new color and think "Oh, wonder what that will look like?"...and I have to make them. They are a quick and easy pattern to work on while visiting or just waiting in the Dr office. Or even on a lunch break!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hayden's Birthday Note to Nana

Calling all the angels--
It's a special day today!
For Hayden's turning four years old!
Here's what he has to say:

"Grandma, please dry all your tears;
I know you miss me so.
And if it had been up to me,
I'd never have chosen to go."

"For I knew that you would miss me
And the things that we could do,
And I wish I could have stayed on earth
And lived down there with you."

"But, Grandma, now I'm well and whole;
I sing and dance all day
With all the angel boys and girls
Who've come to heaven to stay."

"Lord Jesus holds us in His arms
And tells us of His love;
He knew that we were hurting--
That's why we came above."

"I love you, Grandma, every day;
I send you kisses, too.
And some day you will join me here
And I'll always be with you."

"I've got to go--the party's on!
We'll sing and dance and play.
But I am always in your heart
And never far away."

"Please find a way to celebrate,
Even if you cry;
Perhaps you'll send me some balloons
Soaring to the sky."

"And I will know they came from you,
And I'll be flying near.
I send you love and kisses, too.
I love you, Grandma, dear

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Event on 1/24/11 Happy 4th Birthday to Hayden in Heaven

On Monday, January 24, 2011: This day is to celebrate Hayden Isac Parsons. This would have been his 4th Birthday. He passed away March 17, 2010. Please remember Hayden and his family on this day by lighting a candle, sending a balloon to Heaven, saying a prayer, doing something special for someone else in Memory of Hayden. He was taken from us way too soon, but Hayden will live in our hearts and our minds forever! Thank you for remembering Hayden on his Birthday! We all love you and miss you so much Hayden! Happy Birthday in Heaven Hayden Bug! (P.S. Give Bryan a hug for his Nana!!!)

To light a candle in Memory of Hayden on his Birthday, please click on this link to be taken to his Memorial Site. Thank you so much!

Friday, January 21, 2011

I'm still here....

It's been a very busy and stressful couple of months here for me and my family. I apologize. I do go in and check out what everyone has been up to and how you all are doing. I may not post, but I do check on everyone! I'm still crocheting when I can or when I want to. My heart just hasn't been into anything lately. Worrying about my Mom, my family, and what Chuck has done to me (and my Mom) again. I will bring everyone up to date soon, I promise.

I have been keeping myself busy while visiting my Mom making slippers. Something quick and easy and not much mental thought into it. Too much stress to work on something with details or counting. I posted pictures on my other blog if you want to go check them out! Here's the link: Beth's Crafty Cupboard

Some good news to share: Trish is having twin BOYS! She found out December 20th. Their names will be Colby Warren and Clayton Axel. They are due in the middle of May. I'm so happy for Trish and Chris!

Also, my youngest son, Matthew, and his girlfriend, Holli, are expecting! She is due in August. Great month - my birthday month! So it won't be hard for GG and me to remember birthdays of the grandkids - they will all be one, or two, or three... ha ha ha!!!

Will post more later - sorry for being away so long. Now to get back to my hot tea, Vick's Vapor rub on my chest and throat, rice bag, and my cough syrup. I honestly can't remember the last time I felt this bad!