Sunday, March 21, 2010

I miss my little Hayden so much!

This is one of the pictures of Hayden before he got his bone marrow transplant. He wasn't allowed to play on the floor, so they had to put a mat down on the floor for him. He was hooked up to IV's, so he couldn't go far either! But that nite I came to visit, he had his pillow and blanket on the mat and wanted me to lay down with him and go nite nite. So I did! We laid there for a short time and then got up to play. I will never ever forget that visit. My heart is aching so bad. I can't stop crying, afraid to go to sleep. I walk into Wal-Mart and see things that remind me of him and I break out crying. I can't even look at a package of Oreo Cookies and I cry. We loved to eat Oreo cookies together. I'd tell Hayden "You know I'm going to get fat eating these cookies, right?" He'd say "yep!" I can't accept that he is really gone from all of us. It tears my heart up to see my son grieving over the loss of his son, Trish over the loss of her son and how she had to watch Hayden's health turn from good to bad the entire time in the hospital, my Mom over the loss of her great-grandson, and my other 2 sons over the loss of their nephew. All over the hands of one careless person. Took him from us, before his time. When I go to bed now, I hold his blanket near to me. It smells just like him. I know in time that precious smell will be gone. But it's all I have to hold onto now. Yes, I know I'm a grown woman. But that is all I have left of Hayden to hold onto...his Cars blanket. Forgive me Chris and Trish for taking it. I miss holding my Baby! I love you Hayden!


Sandy said...

I know you're hurting, you loved him so much. It maybe hard for you right now, but you do have more than just that one blanket. You have all the memories of times together, you have love in your heart. Hold tight to those memories and to the love.

Leaving you a Hug,

I think it's good that you're writing and talking about it too. I found that very therapeutic and still do when I lost Mom.

Anonymous said...

Dear Beth, You are never alone, God is with you and Hayden, and his Mom and Dad. We are all here for you too. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you, even if I'm so far away. You have my e mail, please talk to me anytime. We will be with you in spirit at Hayden's Celebration of Life. Your baby is with his loving father in Heaven. Wish I could give you a real hug. Love, Alma

Anna said...

Hi, I just came across your blog. This is a very sad story and I hope things are starting to get a little easier for you. Try to find comfort in the fact that he's a little angel in heaven now and he probably watches over you every day. I bet he can't wait until the two of you can play and eat oreos together in heaven. =)